Thursday, February 23, 2012

16 years without you

It was 16 years ago today that my Dad passed away and to be honestly it doesn't get easier. Time doesn't heal, not something like this.
It's just my ability to handle it that gets better my faith gets stronger and my hope becomes brighter.
But days like today it's just gol darn really hard.

I am so fortunate to have a Father who left me with one of the greatest gift I have been given,
HIM and everything he was!
As a boy he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes it was brutal on his body.
He had 3 kidney transplants, a heart surgery,
all the while losing his eye sight and some toes without losing his faith or his dreams his sense of humor and especially his zest and love for life!

But none of those things stop him!
He taught himself braille (he lost his eye sight after he married my Mom) got into Brigham Young University and after a ton of hard work and perseverance he graduated with a Masters Degree all the while providing for 5 kids and his beautiful bride.

I am sure he was in more pain than he let on. I am sure he was always more tired than he showed especially since he had to walk to the bus stop no matter what the weather had to offer (to the State Prison in Draper)
and after a long day at work he would walked home.
Only to be bombarded with 5 kids
He would sit at the kitchen table to help us with our homework stand at my bed and tickle my back laugh with us play with us and love us.
isn't he so stinkin adorable (tear)
Chris asked me if I could have an hour with him what I would want to do or ask him.
I couldn't answer it right away it's almost to painful to even imagine 5 more minutes with my Dad
(what I would give)
But I decided I would just ask him to tell me his favorite memory of him and I and than soak in his voice and laugh while I study his face and brilliant smile, kiss his cheeks, smell him,
because after all these years it's not the memories of him that bring the heartache it's forgetting the little details after 16 years.

My first job was at the concession stands at the Cinemark in the Provo Town Center my Dad had already been gone for only about 4 years.
A man came up to my register to order some popcorn immediately I smelled something I hadn't smelled in Dad.
You see it was more than the cologne the man was wearing it's hard to explain.

With a lump in my throat tears filling up my eyes and nearly paralyzed with emotion I somehow mustered the strength to finish the order.
Once I finished helping him I immediately ran to the back room sat in the corner on the sticky floor atop spilled soda and greasy butter hugging my legs and cried.
I was so overwhelmed by the emotion and memory that flooded my entire being just from the smell of some strange man.

It makes me purely joyous for the day when I will see him again and the feelings I will fell when I will jump into his arms and kiss his cheeks when I will nestle my face into his neck and cry because we will be together again and this time nothing will or could separate us.
I love him and miss him so much

This is where Chris and I were married too the Provo Temple. I wish I took a picture just like this one.
I guess that's a good reason to put my beautiful dress back on.
My studly handsome Father sure did pick a beautiful girl to marry.

I miss you Daddy! Every day!
I wish you could make Taimi laugh with your funny voices I wish you could tell me how proud you are of me and how I picked the most perfect husband.

I wish I could play with that crazy vein on your wrist again.
I know this will all become a reality one day but for now I will continue to wish

There is some pretty great stuff.


Cummards said...

So sorry ash!! I can't even comprehend how hard that is :( you're pretty amazing!

elizabeth kartchner said...

so beautiful!!! love you!! xoxo He is so proud of his angel. xo

Cindy said...

my sweet Ashley will tears in my eyes and feeling every word of your beautiful tribute to Dad. For you truly are a gifted writer as your Dad was. i know how proud he is of you and your darling family and how big he smiles as our family keeps growing. I love you and miss you so much.

camille said...

My heart has ached all day and my throut had that huge lump in it. But after reading this which is so beutifuly written. I could not hold it in I weeped so hard and it felt so good.
Thanks for reminding me of the vein:)
Ashley I know he is so proud of you and the choses you have made.
I love you so much

Chelsea said...

Ah this post made me cry! So sweet!