Thursday, November 1, 2012

Roller coasters (not the fun kind) really truly not fun at all

Life started getting crazy around Oct. 21, 2012.
We had just gotten off the phone with my Mother and were heading to our first appointment with our Doctor at the hospital where I am scheduled to deliver. I was super nervous mostly because I have no idea what to expect. For example, with the midwife everytime I see her she has me take off my pants and undies she checks my cervix(ah I hate it) and weighs me on the scale EVERYTIME!
 The lighting in there is terrible and I hate plopping on the table naked EVERYTIME!
And thats basically all she does everytime I leave wondering what I just paid for not to mention
 I leave feeling gross and...just gross.
It's so different than back home which is hard to get used to.
We arrived around 4:15pm. The doctor was very nice. He is an older gentleman. He asked us a million questions. after the questions he did a ultrasound that lasted 1.5 hours. We didn't leave the hospital till after 6. Is that insane? It is when you have a 3 year old to entertain.
(it's just a word I use which is similar to Holy Cow or Good Pete) Which are also words I like to use.
Anyway little baby girl was all over the place so much so that he was having a really hard time getting a picture of her brain. He was trying to get a good measure of the ventricals in her brain. If the ventricals are above the normal range (10mm) they run tests and do a bunch of stuff cause it's not a good sign and can mean all sorts of bad stuff.
He took a good 15 different shots of the brain and measured and remeasured over and over and over.
Which I why I left with 10 feet of ultrasound pictures. 

Sure enough she is on the boarder of normal and really scary!
I finally asked after he had been looking at the brain for longer than normal if everything was ok.
"Uhhhh not sure, we will see. It could be a problem." he said.
 Sweet! (soaked in sarcasm) Thats all he said.
However every now and then he would do the hand signal for "so, so"
turning his hand side to side while grunting a bit.
My thoughts were running wild
and so was my 3 year old little girl in his tiny office which didn't help the situation.
Chris was ghostly white. I had never seen him in a panic state before.
The ventricals get large due to extra fluid
Chris hadn't realized there was even suppose to be fluid in the brain.
He was thinking the very worst barely blinking
all the while making sure I was ok and trying to control Taimi.

Chris asked him again how things are looking.
The doctor just said how much the baby is moving so much
so it's difficult to tell and that we will talk about it after.
I didn't stop praying for the baby to hold still so the doctor can get a good picture so we can get some answers and get out of there.
The Doctor was finally done and didn't realize how late it was.
He looked at his watch noticed it was after 6, closing time.
He told us he would walk us out.
All the while telling us that she might have to much fluid in the brain/ventricles. 
I was stunned! Chris was speechless.
I know he doesn't speak that good of English but really you're leaving us with that??

Before we left he wanted to make an appointment with a brain specialist for us.
And how he would talk about our situation with his comrades tomorrow and give us a call.
Still totally and completly unsure about what our "situation" is.
 I just cried right there in the hospital hallway with the doctor and other receptionists looking at me like I was crying gold tears or hoovering over the floor in alien form.
What! They have never seen anyone cry before.
The doctor also told me to go do some more blood work ASAP.
They sure do keep us busy I have to go to a different place to see the midwife/nurse.
Then we schedule a different appointment to see the doctor at a different location.
And we have to schedule and go somewhere totally different to do urine and blood work.
LAME!! All the while paying everytime!
Leaving we felt totally blindsided like the wind was knocked out of us.
Beweldered. Feeling like at any moment our world was going to crash down on us.
We left the hospital and drove home in silence holding hands listening to Josh Groban.
 Chris was white as a ghost I could hardly see cause of the tears that kept coming and coming.
I didn't realize until later that he had never been so terrified in all his life but all he kept doing was holding me, comforting me, making sure I was ok. I'm so lucky!
Luckily Chris didn't have practice or anything that evening so we spent some time together trying to research and figure out what the Doctor was trying to explain to us or what he didn't explain to us.
Nothing was good. Nothing brought us hope. We were distraught. So we turned to the only thing we know to turn to and thats God.
We prayed and prayed. We talked and hugged cried and cuddled and prayed.
The next day the doctor called like he said he would he told me a lot of stuff I couldn't understand except for the word surgery 2-3 hours and take a bath before....WHAT!?!?!
At that moment I have never wanted to go home more in my entire life.
I was alone. Chris was at practice. Taimi was at school. My family back home was asleep.
I was scared, alone, and terrified.
So I again did the only thing I know to do I prayed!
Chris came home not long after thank goodness.
We decided to fast and pray the next day and Chris would give me a blessing.
We did and it was wonderful. We recieved peace and answers.
It was just what we needed and wanted. Finally we found some peace in he situation.

The doctor called us a week later...remember that blood work...yea!
Positive of CMV a stupid virus!
Sweet (again, drenched in sarcasm)
Chris talked to him this time. And understood him just as much as I do. Which isn't much!
Gee wiz we went from feeling total peace and reassurance back to square one PANIC.
 We went full circle.
This time we decided to call our doctor back home and guess what he was the doctor on call.
Chris talked to him for a long time. He even gave Chris his cell number.  Dr. Judd you are the man!!
WE love you!
We were feeling really good again. Dr. Judd made more sense of the situation.
 Which was nice cause we were looking at flights to come home.
Chris went in to see the doctor the other day to make an appointment
and ask questions Dr. Judd wanted to know.
He did. The Doctor told Chris to tell me that he knows I am worried (duh!!)
and that I shouldn't be SO worried.
I guess the tears that he acted like he had never seen before gave me away.
He told Chris he isn't too worried about the baby but that we just need to monitor the situation.

You see nearly 60% of all people become infected with CMV. There is either an old virus in your blood or a new one. The old was isn't very serious cause your body produces antibodies and controls the situation. The new one CAN be very dangerous for the baby.
I tested negative for the new one. The traces were so small less than .3%
But I have high traces of the old one.

Just wish the doctor would have told us all that days ago when he told us we tested "positive" for a nearly fetal virus for infants and fetus which we didn't but it can flair up.

Cool, we were feeling pretty good again, at this point.
Until Chris gets home from practice THAT SAME NIGHT with a note from one of our sponsors telling us that we need to call our midwife asap.
Uhhhhhh ok?
I'm still trying to figure out why our midwife called this sponsor to begin with and not us...strange.
We called her and she told us that the Doctor is worried that we are not taking the situation as seriously as we should. And that the babies "condition" could get very serious and bad in the future.
STILL confused what "condition" they are talking about.
Chris's coach told us it's normal in French culture to tell you any and every problem that could occur even if it's a super small possibility so that the parents can choose to abort the baby. (sick) Since they only have maybe 2 kids total per family they want "normal" ones I guess...whatever.
Dear French medicine, D's and MW's
You are the reason I am loosing sleep at night and why I have a huge lump in my throat nearly all day every day. Please make up your mind! Please stop making me ride this crazy emotional rollercoaster. I am very grateful for your medicine for your time and concern but I sort of hate you.
And one more thing PLEASE only tell me your concerns if they are REAL concerns and not just small possibilities. And for heaven sakes make up your minds.
Much Obliged,
Soon to be Mommy
Inspiration that has helped me through the last few weeks,
And of course anything for THIS BOOK or THIS ONE 
And writing in my journal always helps me put things in perspective


Cara said...

Oh Ashley, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know how hard it is to have your baby's well being in limbo, and have no idea what is going on. We will keep you and your family in our prayers.
On a side note, there is no reason for your midwife to be checking your cervix every appointment. It tells her nothing. And you have every right to refuse the exam. Remember it's your body. If you don't like it, tell her you want to skip it.

{lindy baker cakes} said...


Holy cow! What the heck?! I am so so so sorry. We worry so much on our own already as women being pregnant, and to have to deal with this in the midst of it is probably completely emotional and overwhelming. I can't imagine. I am praying for you guys and truly hope that you get some clear answers soon. I love you so much! Keep us updated.